mmoa_writes

Hm. Well, I am not feeling particularly wonderful today. Having had most of my Mock Exam papers back (Physics will return next week, but I know that's just going to be tragic, you know?) I am not exactly 100%. I ended up not going to A. Greek tonight, though it turned out that we weren't going to do a Prose Mock after all, which was just the icing on the cake, really: After getting shite marks in what should be my best subject and an even worse mark in a subject that I really have to start showing my abilities in (ie, Maths), learning that all those hours of extra Prose memorisation was all for nothing, just made me boil. So, rather than showing myself up trying to read Homer when I am in no mood to tolerate any more mistakes of mine, I decided to be melodramatic and opt out.




The real problem is, is not that I am crap at the subjects. And I know this. I know I can do it. It's just so annoying and frustrating that I continually get such terrible grades. It's already cost me one of the most interesting subjects on offer that I wanted to take (don't worry, mmoa, you can take it next year Though I won't be there I hope, ho ho ho). When I correct my work there is no Eureka moment, because I knew what I was doing in the first damn place, I just made some stupid mistake with misplacing a value of something somewhere. This is why I cannot understand how some people get amazing grades. And I don't mean that in that stupid, jokey way, which everyone shouts at whosoever got 80-90+%; I mean it as in I cannot comprehend how someone can make so compartitively fewer mistakes... how someone's mark on each individual page can add up to get them an amazing percentage whilst mine... it's like fucking magic. I just cannot my head around it...

And I loathe the inappropriate remarks of someone like Dr. Wales who almost makes it sound like you were just faffing about. My God. I have never been one for school - loathed it pretty much from our second year onwards, but hell, it's a good school; it'll get me into a top University - why throw that away for some ridiculous sentiment? - but right now I just absolutely can't stand it. I feel like I have an axe hanging over my neck. One wrong move and... squick. So as for faffing about, hell no: in fact, part of my problem is that I take it too seriously. It must be, considering how the rest of the class can fuck around all they want and still get a decent grade (and before anyone on my f-list comments, no I don't mean any class specifically, so there's no need to get all twattish, I am fully aware that you got shite marks too, I just happen to be incredibly fucked up anyway, so...).

It also leads me to something else which this sort of thing really makes me hate - other people. No really: I can deal with the friend (Ellen!) who joshes you up, reassures you sweetly, but who knows that eventually, you are just a moody cow so it might be best to shut up at various times. I like that. I admire someone who has the tenacity to put up with me but isn't afraid to put their foot down when it's appropriate. What I can't stand is the whole... how can I describe it? Oh what the hell, trying to make a huge joke out of it. Listen, for me, it isn't funny. I can't even make a joke about it knowing that I am this close from getting M beckoning me into her office all over again. Oh sure, be ironic and cynical, I get that, that's how I deal - trivialise it to some extent, yeah, (or you really won't be able to survive), but don't start the whole laughing and hair flicking and giggling, because for some of us, the situation is actually getting pretty desperate. So please, fuck off.

Maybe it's because I'm under pressure as a failed-not-so-smart-smart-kid, maybe that's why I'm so het up. I don't know. I am just getting really fed up and incredibly pressurized. Just don't laugh it off near me, or I will explode all over your face (lol - that sounds so wrong, I know).



Damn humanity.